Life is a Story

Life is like a story in constant need of revision, it requires hard work and dedication, and depends on conflict and resolution in order to move the story forward.  Some chapters bring joy, others bring devastation but each chapter brings hope for a satisfying conclusion.  Some people ‘pants’ life, in other words, they live it by the seat of their pants, accepting whatever comes along and working with it, while others plot every detail and work from there, I’m an ‘in-betweener’, I ‘pants’ some and plot some, and hope for the best.

My life story is far from complete, thank goodness, hopefully the deadline is extended for years to come, I keep plugging away at it and hopefully I get it right.  Some chapters are set in stone, they are beyond changing and that’s okay, I may not be able to change them but I can change the impact they have on the story as a whole.  I may not like those chapters very much but I don’t regret them because they were necessary in order to bring my life story where it is today, which is not a bad place really.

Until recently, I’ve been complacent in creating my life story, I’ve been ‘pantsing’ it to the limit, tolerating come what may, and allowing my past to dictate my future, the result, ho-hum.  Like writing, creating a life story is easier when we acquire and implement certain tools, and it’s those tools that I’ve been busying myself with lately, with amazing results.  I’ve been plotting my life, not to the minutest detail but detailed enough to give me something to focus on, and immersing my plot in confidence and faith, and my life story is getting better because of it.

Each day begins a new chapter with new challenges, and trust me, somedays those challenges are great, yet I don’t feel overwhelmed by them because I know that my confidence and faith is great enough to overcome them.  I wish I could describe the feelings of peace and serenity which have replaced fear and doubt in my life but I can’t, words escape me. 

I am so deeply grateful for my teachers, not mystic sages, okay maybe one or two of them, but real people facing very real challenges whose strength and courage inspires me.  Thank you Becs, thank you, Anita, thank you, Guy, thank you Ken and Carol, and thank you, Rachel, you have all touched my life in a special way and I am forever grateful for the part you play in my life story.

Love you all!

Luc

Let’s Talk About Mental Health

A year and a half ago, I was in the grips of major depression, all faith and hope were gone, and I really believed I was going to die, I wanted to die.  There were dark clouds of pessimism and despair hovering over me, and it shames me to say that I wasn’t even able to look after myself properly.  My home was a disaster area, I had poor hygiene, and I would cry for no reason at all.  I was a wreck!

There was a crisis, there always is, it didn’t precipitate the depression, that was already there, but it precipitated the need for action.  Only one other person knows what I am about to share publicly, I was desperate and had pretty well resolved to disappear, to go away and end my life peacefully somewhere where I wouldn’t be found.  Selfish of me, I know, but rational thinking wasn’t my strong suit back then, but a lucid moment did find me and I reached for the phone.  The rest, as they say, is history.

It’s painful to remember those days, and it isn’t easy to share, but on this, World Mental Health Day, it seems appropriate to end the stigma and share my story. 

Even though one in five Canadians suffers from a mental illness at some point in their lives, we don’t talk about it.  The stigma is so great that those suffering from mental health issues would rather suffer in silence than risk being judged by those they love.  Wouldn’t it be great if the whole world started talking about it in a caring and compassionate way, how many lives could we save, how much misery could we avert?

My own story ends well because people were willing to listen when I was ready to talk.  The love and support from my family and friends helped me to cope with my illness and brought me to the right people, places, and things to help me recover.  Although my life is not perfect today, depression still rears its ugly head once in a while, on most days I am genuinely happy, and when I’m not, I know that I have a network of people who really care to turn to.

It takes more than medication to cure mental illness, it takes an entire community of caring individuals, adequate resources, and informed supports.  Chances are someone you know is dealing with a mental health issue, be the friend they need, and talk about it!

Love you all!

Luc

Lost and Found

There was a time, in the late seventies, when the best I could possibly hope for was to breathe in and breathe out.  My teen years were marred with low self-esteem, self-contempt, and self-depreciation, and the natural functions of living zapped all of my energy and ambitions.  Thoughts of death were common, and if I had any courage at all, I wouldn’t be here writing this today.

I was lost in every sense of the word, a loner with no hope, no faith, and certainly no ambitions.  I would spend my free-time alone in the solitude of my room pretending to be anyone other than who I was.  I had dreams, far-fetched dreams, which even I didn’t believe in, but I pretended away anyways, living out my dreams in the deep dark recesses of my mind.  It was a long shot for sure, but sometimes long shots pay off, and something absolutely wonderful happened.

In 1979, I had just turned sixteen, old enough to quit school, which I planned on doing anyway when I was offered a full-time job with our local community television station as the Assistant Program Coordinator.  I had been volunteering for them for a few years, mostly lugging equipment around, set-up lighting, and as playback operator (the person who pushed the button at seven every night so the programming would go on air), but now in my new job, I would get to do what I had wanted to do for so long, produce community television programs.  My main dream had been fulfilled, in spite of myself, and I was introduced to the Law of Attraction.

I didn’t know about the Law of Attraction back then, and it would be a few years before I would understand the role it played in my life, but there were many small successes that would follow, and I relished each one.  My attitude about life changed, and as a result, my life changed as well, the lost boy had been found, I returned to school and graduated with honors, furthered my dreams by working in both radio and print journalism, and won a poetry award.

I’m certainly no expert on the Law of Attraction, and I still struggle with applying it to my life, but I’ve summed it up in a simple statement, “Think bad things, and bad things happen, think good things, and good things happen!”  There are many different books and videos, each preaching a different approach to the Law of Attraction, but I always find it best to keep it simple, and Jesus stated it as simply as possible when he said, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” 

I believe in the Law of Attraction itself, not necessarily with all its various interpretations and rules, and I know without any doubt whatsoever that as long as what I want doesn’t hurt or harm myself or others, and doesn’t take away from someone else, I can and will have it, as long as I apply myself to it with faith and conviction.  I am resolved to make good things happen, and I know, feel and believe that they do.

Love you all,

Luc

Starting Over and Over

As a recovering alcoholic, I’ve been sober twenty-six years, I know first hand how cunning, baffling, and powerful addiction is, and I know that recovery is possible as long as you are ready, willing, and able to commit to it.  It seemed so easy for alcohol, but not so for smoking.

I quit smoking for over six months, more like seven, and I felt great, my energy levels were high and I started walking again without too much discomfort, life was great.  I took for granted that I had beaten my addiction and that I would never smoke again, I was wrong.  A bad day came along, at least in my mind it seemed like one, and without thinking I picked up a pack of cigarettes and smoked.

I haven’t smoked consistently since then, I manage to get a few days of being smoke-free in, but before long, I smoke again.  I know I’ve disappointed people along the way but none can be more disappointed in me than I am.  I’ve tortured and beaten myself up mentally, and I’ve cursed the symptoms of smoking, the shortness of breath and the persistent cough, but in a weak moment, I’ve lit up again.

Working in the addictions field, I know that the best way to treat addiction of any kind is to identify and deal with the root causes, but along with addiction comes denial which can easily mask the principal cause of the problem.  I’ve always found what I considered a valuable excuse for smoking, I’m stressed out, I’m angry, I’m having a bad day, etc., but the real reason I smoked remained hidden from me until yesterday, or at least I didn’t want to admit it.

The topic of my smoking came up in two different conversations with two different friends yesterday, and in both conversations, the real reason I smoke rose up and slapped me in the face.  You see, it’s so easy for me to go without smoking on days that I work, but on my days off, the urge to smoke is overwhelming.  Why?  I smoke because I’m bored and lonely and because smoking numbs those feelings.

I have nobody but myself to blame for my loneliness, I’m the one who for the most part opted out of a social life making all kinds of excuses for staying in when others invited me out.  I was so convinced that I was a loner, and that I was happy sitting at home writing, reading, or resting, that I minimized my boredom and my loneliness. 

Awareness, they say, is a big part of the solution, and with that awareness, I make a conscious decision to reach out, step out, and do whatever it takes to rebuild a social life.  As for quitting smoking, I start over and continue to start over as many times as it takes until I finally get it right.

Love you all!

Luc

Compassion and the Law of Attraction

Abraham, the Spiritual Entity channeled by Esther Hicks, whose teachings are the subject of the Law of Attraction books by Esther and Jerry Hicks, claims that we should detach from other people and their problems, that it’s okay to be selfish, and that we aren’t here to fix the world but to live abundantly, Houston we have a problem!  I’m a firm believer in the Law of Attraction but have to disagree with Abraham on that one.

I agree that sometimes we spend too much time focusing on other people’s problems, that we get wrapped up in them, and that it hinders our own growth, but by the same token, I believe that in good measure, helping others helps us.  I could never, in good conscience, ignore the needs of others, it’s just not in my humanity.

I have known people, as a matter of fact, I still know some, who selfishly focus on themselves and disregard the needs of others, the need for justice, and the need for equality, and let me tell you that from my experience, these are not happy people.  They are bitter and angry and attract similar people, things, and experiences to themselves.

Compassion is a vital part of the human experience, Abraham misses the mark on that one.  It is said, and I believe it thoroughly that the more you give, the more you receive, and it doesn’t matter what form the giving takes, this is a bonus of giving and shouldn’t be the incentive.  Giving, whether it be time, energy, wisdom, money, or love, is a spiritual practice that I intend to practice alongside the Law of Attraction, as I always have.

I haven’t really applied myself to the Law of Attraction in years, but I am ready to embark on its wonderful journey, and I will do it while maintaining my compassion and caring.  Sorry, Abraham, I have a need to prove you wrong!

Love you all,

Luc

Life Lessons from a Detox Centre

I’m a Program Worker at a Detox Centre, and I tend to see people at their worst, full of denial, and with a hate on for authority.  That’s okay, that’s just where they’re at now, I look for potential in all of them because, as a recovering alcoholic, I’ve been in their shoes before and I know that this period need not, and does not, define their lives.

Each resident we serve has their own story, their own reasons why they drink or use drugs, and each has a motivation, sometimes hidden, to be clean and sober.  Sometimes, unfortunately, their addiction is stronger than their motivation to change, and we lose them, either because they choose to leave, or because we have to send them home.  These aren’t bad people even though they may have done bad things, they are sick, they have a disease that tells them they don’t have it.

For me, the hardest part of this job is not dealing with their behaviours, but with the emotional impact of listening to their stories.  It’s hard not to get highly emotional when you listen to a young woman speak of the sexual abuses she endured from age four until she was old enough to leave home, or the young man’s story of how his old man beat him savagely for playing a little too loudly.  Our Detox Centre is filled with residents with similar stories who sought an escape from the pain by using alcohol or drugs.  As hard as their stories are to listen too, I am happy to sit and listen because I know that sharing those stories is a critical step in the process of recovery, and it helps me to remember that I am dealing with emotionally scarred people, not monsters who lie, cheat and steal.

I learn as much from them as much as I hope they learn from me.  Working in this field has helped me to become a better human, it has taught me powerful lessons about tolerance and acceptance, and it has strengthened my belief in the dignity and worth of all people.  As a result, I try to treat each person I meet, not only the residents I serve, the same way that I would like to be treated, and I reach out my hand whenever anyone needs help, without prejudice, without judgment.  I am absolutely grateful for my job, and for all the addicts and alcoholics whose courage, strength, and hope have inspired me and helped me to become the person that I am.

Love you all!

Luc

No More Fear of Rejection

It occurred to me this morning that when it comes to writing, I’m a coward.  I’ve never experienced the pain of receiving a rejection letter, not because my stories are that good, but because I’ve never bothered to submit my stories to any source where rejection is possible.  Oh sure, I entered a story in the CBC Short Story Prize competition last year, the only competition I entered, but with thousands of entries pouring in, I entered not expecting to win, so there was no disappointment when I didn’t. 

I’ve become an expert at avoiding disappointment, going so far as to self-publishing two books, a collection of flash fiction and a collection of short stories, knowing that I didn’t have the foggiest idea how to market them, but at least they weren’t rejected, and I saved face by accepting that every book I sold was a victory.  I broke even, and that was a plus, but the stories in both books deserved better than that, they deserved to be submitted, criticized, and yes, even rejected a few times in order to gain credibility.  I didn’t have the courage to do it.

It’s CBC Short Story Prize time again, and I’ve been writing up a storm, hoping upon hope to write a story that I could believe was good enough to win, I did it, but now the fear has set in and I almost decided against entering it because of possible rejection.  It needs editing and revising, and I’m working on that now, but make no mistake about it, I will enter it, and I will wait with eager anticipation until next April, when the short list is announced and the winner is announced, and I will be crushed if it doesn’t place but that’s okay, I will survive it.  One way or the other, I will start to pay my dues towards becoming a serious writer.

Life is about change, and I am resolved to change.  I won’t sit idly by, waiting for a fruitful outcome, I will write up a storm, I will submit to markets and competitions, and I will collect those rejection slips, and those successes as they come, in short, I will take the risk and become a real writer.  Challenge accepted!

Love you all!

Luc