Starting Over and Over

As a recovering alcoholic, I’ve been sober twenty-six years, I know first hand how cunning, baffling, and powerful addiction is, and I know that recovery is possible as long as you are ready, willing, and able to commit to it.  It seemed so easy for alcohol, but not so for smoking.

I quit smoking for over six months, more like seven, and I felt great, my energy levels were high and I started walking again without too much discomfort, life was great.  I took for granted that I had beaten my addiction and that I would never smoke again, I was wrong.  A bad day came along, at least in my mind it seemed like one, and without thinking I picked up a pack of cigarettes and smoked.

I haven’t smoked consistently since then, I manage to get a few days of being smoke-free in, but before long, I smoke again.  I know I’ve disappointed people along the way but none can be more disappointed in me than I am.  I’ve tortured and beaten myself up mentally, and I’ve cursed the symptoms of smoking, the shortness of breath and the persistent cough, but in a weak moment, I’ve lit up again.

Working in the addictions field, I know that the best way to treat addiction of any kind is to identify and deal with the root causes, but along with addiction comes denial which can easily mask the principal cause of the problem.  I’ve always found what I considered a valuable excuse for smoking, I’m stressed out, I’m angry, I’m having a bad day, etc., but the real reason I smoked remained hidden from me until yesterday, or at least I didn’t want to admit it.

The topic of my smoking came up in two different conversations with two different friends yesterday, and in both conversations, the real reason I smoke rose up and slapped me in the face.  You see, it’s so easy for me to go without smoking on days that I work, but on my days off, the urge to smoke is overwhelming.  Why?  I smoke because I’m bored and lonely and because smoking numbs those feelings.

I have nobody but myself to blame for my loneliness, I’m the one who for the most part opted out of a social life making all kinds of excuses for staying in when others invited me out.  I was so convinced that I was a loner, and that I was happy sitting at home writing, reading, or resting, that I minimized my boredom and my loneliness. 

Awareness, they say, is a big part of the solution, and with that awareness, I make a conscious decision to reach out, step out, and do whatever it takes to rebuild a social life.  As for quitting smoking, I start over and continue to start over as many times as it takes until I finally get it right.

Love you all!

Luc