Slaying those Dragons – Part One

Where does it all begin, I guess I may never know, there are hints in my childhood that I was different, that maybe, just maybe things weren’t quite as okay as I pretended they were, but what was the precipitator, I really don’t know.  My childhood wasn’t normal, though I blame nobody but myself, sure there were problems growing up but my brother and sisters seem to have coped with them much better than I did.  My choice of coping mechanism was to isolate myself, to lock myself away in the privacy of my room and pretend that I was anybody other than myself.  Those are my earliest memories so obviously it began earlier than that.

I guess it really doesn’t matter where and when it all began, what matters is that for most of my life I struggled with some form of depression or another.  There have been periods of reprieve but being unaware of what was wrong with me, those periods were mostly short-lived.  From isolating myself in my room, I mastered the art of pretending, and pretending that everything was okay became second nature to me, so for the most part, nobody knew that I was struggling.

Imagine wearing a one hundred pound weight on each shoulder, and you just might start to understand how debilitating depression is, except the weight is actually in mind, and you get so used to carrying it around that you forget it’s there, or at least pretend that it isn’t.  Some would say that denial is a common symptom of depression but I would argue that it isn’t, we are very much aware of its presence, we know something is wrong with us, but we are afraid to tell anyone for fear of being judged as crazy. 

Crazy, yes, I’ve felt like I was crazy at times, and it caused me to retreat even deeper into a mind that kept telling me I was.  The hamster wheel, the damn hamster wheel, keeps spinning round and round, injecting more and more lies into your troubled mind.  Thoughts like, I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, I’m too fat, I’m too dumb, etc. filled my waking hours, shattering every ounce of self-esteem I had, destroying all traces of self-worth and self-respect.  Believing those lies, I gave up, stopped caring for myself, for my appearance, and for my living environment, and the more I stopped caring, the more I believed those lies. 

In all truth, the only time I felt good was when I was doing something for others, helping them with their struggles and needs became my drug.  I sought other comfort as well, and found it in drinking.  I was introduced to drinking at a very young age, and from that introduction until the very end of my drinking, I can honestly say that I hated the taste but loved the feeling.  Alcohol did something to me, it was good at first, giving me the ability to step out of myself and have fun but that period of my drinking was short lived.  Near the end of my relatively short drinking career, alcohol turned me into a whiner and complainer, made my lips loose, and got me in trouble.  I quit drinking on August 8^th, 1991, and haven’t had to pick up a drink since then.

Addiction often times goes hand-in-hand with depression because we are open to anything that helps us forget, that pulls us out of ourselves, and distracts our minds for any period of time. Whether we turn to substances, gambling, shopping, or even work addiction, we quickly learn that it’s a temporary ‘fix’, and not really an effective one.  Unfortunately, kicking our addiction to the curve is often times a harder process than dealing with our depression.

Depression really is like a dragon, in its active phase it spews streams of fiery thoughts into an already overburdened mind, and when the flame dies down, it knocks you down with its massive, powerful tail, but there is hope, the dragon can be slain.  Starting Sunday, I will focus on the tools that have helped me not only with depression, but also with other struggles I have faced.  See you Sunday!

Love you all!

Luc