In February of 2016, I had a total meltdown, a little over a year before I passed out at my dining room table and even though I didn’t feel it go off, I knew that my ICD had fired, and I ended up in the hospital for a few weeks, this started my mind thinking that I was going to die, setting things up for my meltdown.
This was the worst manifestation of my anxiety/depression/PTSD ever, I was a total mess and couldn’t even be trusted on my own so I ended up living with my sister for almost three months. Convinced that I was going to die, I totally gave up on life and couldn’t care for myself, and yes at that point I even considered suicide but didn’t have the courage to go through with it. I ended up in counseling again, this time with a Social Worker who practices CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) which was a Godsend!
Unlike conventional psychotherapy, CBT does not concern itself with the past, it focuses on your thoughts, feelings, and actions in the now, and teaches you tools to assess and change them. My CBT counselor, Melissa, was the best thing to ever happen to me and I progressed rapidly, too rapidly I think, I would have benefited from more sessions. A few months of CBT and I felt good as new, and armed with my new tools I set off on my own to work the program, so to speak. I did well, for a little while at least I did my journal, broke into silly songs at any given time, and I smiled a lot. I felt great and like most people in my situation, I thought I was cured and stopped using the CBT tools.
Recently there was another crisis, partly because I stopped doing what I should, and partly because of a whole bunch of circumstances which popped into my life over a short period of time. Much of this crisis was a crisis of faith, I stopped believing in myself and in my Higher Power, there was also the self-care issue which reared it’s ugly head again, and a short foray in online gambling which I nipped in the bud as soon as I realized it was becoming problematic.
Realizing that I needed help again, I reached out to my sister, to a crisis counselor and even called the crisis line when I felt overwhelmed. I am currently in conventional counseling, in the process of getting back into CBT, and a recovery plan was set in place which I intend to follow diligently. These are valuable tools but this time I want to slay the dragons of depression, anxiety, and PTSD once and for all so I added a few unconventional tools to my arsenal, and guess what, they are helping immensely. Here are some of them.
1- Writing Therapy: I am a writer and so I write but most of what I write usually is more contemporary like fiction or general interest, and I include some feelings, but recently I focused my writing on my feelings. What a blessing this has been. Writing this series/mini-memoir has been very therapeutic to me.
2- Bibliotherapy: Reading the right books has helped me to focus on the positive aspects of life. I have reread, You Are a Badass, by Jen Sincero, this time applying the principles to my life, other great reads included, Living Big, and, Thank and Grow Rich, by Pam Grout. I would highly recommend a course of bibliotherapy for anyone who is struggling with any kind of dragon whatsoever.
3- Gratitude Therapy: I’ve completed two gratitude challenges, one in which I had to write twenty-one things I was grateful for, for twenty-one days, and the other a seven-day challenge where I had to write seven things every day for seven days that I was grateful for in the future, looking back at my current situation and seeing things resolved. They say it takes twenty-one days for a new habit to take hold, and gratitude has definitely taken hold of my life. I have extended my expressions of gratitude to my own Facebook page, ending each day with a gratitude list of three things I am grateful for. These gratitude challenges were the most powerful tool so far in my arsenal against my dragons.
What happens next, I don’t know! I will keep doing my best, gathering and applying tools, and hope that once and for all I have slain those dragons. My truth is out there, do with it as you want, I wrote this on the advice of a friend and I’m truly grateful for having done it, it has helped me immensely to write it. If my story inspires even just one person to reach out for help, or helps even one person to understand the struggles faced by people with a mental illness, then I consider myself wonderfully blessed, and I’m truly grateful
Love you all!
Luc
