Starting Over and Over

As a recovering alcoholic, I’ve been sober twenty-six years, I know first hand how cunning, baffling, and powerful addiction is, and I know that recovery is possible as long as you are ready, willing, and able to commit to it.  It seemed so easy for alcohol, but not so for smoking.

I quit smoking for over six months, more like seven, and I felt great, my energy levels were high and I started walking again without too much discomfort, life was great.  I took for granted that I had beaten my addiction and that I would never smoke again, I was wrong.  A bad day came along, at least in my mind it seemed like one, and without thinking I picked up a pack of cigarettes and smoked.

I haven’t smoked consistently since then, I manage to get a few days of being smoke-free in, but before long, I smoke again.  I know I’ve disappointed people along the way but none can be more disappointed in me than I am.  I’ve tortured and beaten myself up mentally, and I’ve cursed the symptoms of smoking, the shortness of breath and the persistent cough, but in a weak moment, I’ve lit up again.

Working in the addictions field, I know that the best way to treat addiction of any kind is to identify and deal with the root causes, but along with addiction comes denial which can easily mask the principal cause of the problem.  I’ve always found what I considered a valuable excuse for smoking, I’m stressed out, I’m angry, I’m having a bad day, etc., but the real reason I smoked remained hidden from me until yesterday, or at least I didn’t want to admit it.

The topic of my smoking came up in two different conversations with two different friends yesterday, and in both conversations, the real reason I smoke rose up and slapped me in the face.  You see, it’s so easy for me to go without smoking on days that I work, but on my days off, the urge to smoke is overwhelming.  Why?  I smoke because I’m bored and lonely and because smoking numbs those feelings.

I have nobody but myself to blame for my loneliness, I’m the one who for the most part opted out of a social life making all kinds of excuses for staying in when others invited me out.  I was so convinced that I was a loner, and that I was happy sitting at home writing, reading, or resting, that I minimized my boredom and my loneliness. 

Awareness, they say, is a big part of the solution, and with that awareness, I make a conscious decision to reach out, step out, and do whatever it takes to rebuild a social life.  As for quitting smoking, I start over and continue to start over as many times as it takes until I finally get it right.

Love you all!

Luc

Compassion and the Law of Attraction

Abraham, the Spiritual Entity channeled by Esther Hicks, whose teachings are the subject of the Law of Attraction books by Esther and Jerry Hicks, claims that we should detach from other people and their problems, that it’s okay to be selfish, and that we aren’t here to fix the world but to live abundantly, Houston we have a problem!  I’m a firm believer in the Law of Attraction but have to disagree with Abraham on that one.

I agree that sometimes we spend too much time focusing on other people’s problems, that we get wrapped up in them, and that it hinders our own growth, but by the same token, I believe that in good measure, helping others helps us.  I could never, in good conscience, ignore the needs of others, it’s just not in my humanity.

I have known people, as a matter of fact, I still know some, who selfishly focus on themselves and disregard the needs of others, the need for justice, and the need for equality, and let me tell you that from my experience, these are not happy people.  They are bitter and angry and attract similar people, things, and experiences to themselves.

Compassion is a vital part of the human experience, Abraham misses the mark on that one.  It is said, and I believe it thoroughly that the more you give, the more you receive, and it doesn’t matter what form the giving takes, this is a bonus of giving and shouldn’t be the incentive.  Giving, whether it be time, energy, wisdom, money, or love, is a spiritual practice that I intend to practice alongside the Law of Attraction, as I always have.

I haven’t really applied myself to the Law of Attraction in years, but I am ready to embark on its wonderful journey, and I will do it while maintaining my compassion and caring.  Sorry, Abraham, I have a need to prove you wrong!

Love you all,

Luc

Life Lessons from a Detox Centre

I’m a Program Worker at a Detox Centre, and I tend to see people at their worst, full of denial, and with a hate on for authority.  That’s okay, that’s just where they’re at now, I look for potential in all of them because, as a recovering alcoholic, I’ve been in their shoes before and I know that this period need not, and does not, define their lives.

Each resident we serve has their own story, their own reasons why they drink or use drugs, and each has a motivation, sometimes hidden, to be clean and sober.  Sometimes, unfortunately, their addiction is stronger than their motivation to change, and we lose them, either because they choose to leave, or because we have to send them home.  These aren’t bad people even though they may have done bad things, they are sick, they have a disease that tells them they don’t have it.

For me, the hardest part of this job is not dealing with their behaviours, but with the emotional impact of listening to their stories.  It’s hard not to get highly emotional when you listen to a young woman speak of the sexual abuses she endured from age four until she was old enough to leave home, or the young man’s story of how his old man beat him savagely for playing a little too loudly.  Our Detox Centre is filled with residents with similar stories who sought an escape from the pain by using alcohol or drugs.  As hard as their stories are to listen too, I am happy to sit and listen because I know that sharing those stories is a critical step in the process of recovery, and it helps me to remember that I am dealing with emotionally scarred people, not monsters who lie, cheat and steal.

I learn as much from them as much as I hope they learn from me.  Working in this field has helped me to become a better human, it has taught me powerful lessons about tolerance and acceptance, and it has strengthened my belief in the dignity and worth of all people.  As a result, I try to treat each person I meet, not only the residents I serve, the same way that I would like to be treated, and I reach out my hand whenever anyone needs help, without prejudice, without judgment.  I am absolutely grateful for my job, and for all the addicts and alcoholics whose courage, strength, and hope have inspired me and helped me to become the person that I am.

Love you all!

Luc

No More Fear of Rejection

It occurred to me this morning that when it comes to writing, I’m a coward.  I’ve never experienced the pain of receiving a rejection letter, not because my stories are that good, but because I’ve never bothered to submit my stories to any source where rejection is possible.  Oh sure, I entered a story in the CBC Short Story Prize competition last year, the only competition I entered, but with thousands of entries pouring in, I entered not expecting to win, so there was no disappointment when I didn’t. 

I’ve become an expert at avoiding disappointment, going so far as to self-publishing two books, a collection of flash fiction and a collection of short stories, knowing that I didn’t have the foggiest idea how to market them, but at least they weren’t rejected, and I saved face by accepting that every book I sold was a victory.  I broke even, and that was a plus, but the stories in both books deserved better than that, they deserved to be submitted, criticized, and yes, even rejected a few times in order to gain credibility.  I didn’t have the courage to do it.

It’s CBC Short Story Prize time again, and I’ve been writing up a storm, hoping upon hope to write a story that I could believe was good enough to win, I did it, but now the fear has set in and I almost decided against entering it because of possible rejection.  It needs editing and revising, and I’m working on that now, but make no mistake about it, I will enter it, and I will wait with eager anticipation until next April, when the short list is announced and the winner is announced, and I will be crushed if it doesn’t place but that’s okay, I will survive it.  One way or the other, I will start to pay my dues towards becoming a serious writer.

Life is about change, and I am resolved to change.  I won’t sit idly by, waiting for a fruitful outcome, I will write up a storm, I will submit to markets and competitions, and I will collect those rejection slips, and those successes as they come, in short, I will take the risk and become a real writer.  Challenge accepted!

Love you all!

Luc